I feel fucking sad

 I was sitting at the conference table in orientation and we were talking about what we'd done over break. Vic Marks had come around to asking me---

I told her I was living life and having an emotional time. 

I started to describe how I see signs of my brother everywhere...EVRRYWHERE. 

the girl sitting next to me at the table had a big thick book and on it was a drawing of a street corner...the name of the street in italicized lettering was "Elvis Dr."...

So im speaking to Vic and the rest of the class about what i'm experiencing and then i look down and say, SEE? EVEN THIS BOOK. LOOK! 

and the whole class gasps. 

I tell them about how I house sat for Kelly and that her cat is named Charlie Elvis...

it was really beautiful to say outloud and point out all the ways that i know my brother is with me, and also heartbreaking at the same time because I know i'll never hug him again. 

"...for those of you that don't know, my brother passed away January 2020 from Covid symptoms before Covid was a diagnosis," I say to the class. 

and then i woke up to my partner giving me loving rhythmic taps on my backside. 

I was tearing up in the dream and it turns out I was also in real life because he noticed and heard my cry sniffles and began to comfort me with love taps. 

this shit is hard and it's okay. 

the thing for me is that I've only now realized that I have such an incredibly long life to live and all of these amazing accomplishments coming my way and I wish he could PHYSICALLY BE THERE TO HOLD MY HAND W ME AS I ACCEPT MY AWARDS AND SHOUT HIM OUT IN SPEECHES AND COLLABORATE ON SONGS...

i know his energy is always with me. 

this morning i asked him to show himself and I heard the sound of a phone ringing and a steady drum and bass beat, both blaring out of separate cars on my walk. 

see, i appreciate that. energy moves so quickly, all i need to do is speak aloud with conviction----and sometimes I just wanna cry and speak to you in the 3D and look into your face. 

I am a spiritual being. 

I understand that our physical bodies die and our spirit continues to exist formlessly and in whatever form it wants at the same time. 

I know all of this and this is definitely comforting when i'm doing spell work or when i'm with him in the astral realm...

it's the part where i wake up out of the dream and realize he's not physically here right now that i get nervous and overwhelmed for a moment.

i really miss him. 

i am going to take this time to feel this. 

and cry and sleep all day and not punish myself for feeling. 

this thing is hard and weird and yet it's part of all of our experiences as people on this planet. 

what a gift.