It seems that my life is on the turnaround...

12:34 pm 12/30/2021

I thought that I had to rush through everything and create a schedule and adhere to it to the nth degree to consider myself successful and to feel like i really contributed something to the day--but only to the degree that it brought me money or that i was creating income somehow by working hard.

oop! there it is.

There's a lingering belief inside of me that if i work hard, i will receive money.

this is clearly passed down from colonialist mentality.

my ancestors had to build things to get paid. If they built a lot of things, a lot of money would come because they'd have a lot to sell and offer.

If they didn't or fell sick, there was no money, the family couldn't eat, which means there was no strength to build.

Lord knows you can't take a break because then there would be no money, no food, no strength.

I am in a vicious cycle of hopping off the hamster wheel (that i VERY SO CHOOSE TO BE ON) and then being in a beautiful flow with life--then I get a really good idea, and then start to build it out and then find myself RIGHT TF BACK ON THE HAMSTER WHEEL, only to be burnt out again and in tears because I feel like my life isn't working out the way i want it to or i'm not seeing the results i feel like i should because i already "PUT SO MUCH WORK IN" blah blah blah...

Honestly, as I'm writing this out, I'm kind of seeing how ridiculous this cycle is, mainly because I put myself here.

I guess i could just as easily choose to navigate differently.

It IS really all a choice.

I'm really glad I took the time to write this out because prior to this moment i felt so overwhelmed and like I wanted to cry and nothing had even happened in my day to cause me these feelings....

it's all the mind. all the situations i create and the stress i build and the not-breathing and the solar plexus tightening that i do...all because of THOUGHTS.

You know what brought me back to center from all that just now?

Sitting in front of the mirror for meditation.

Yep, I sat down for 15 minutes in front of a mirror, naked, and just started into my own eyes and felt my entire body relax with the presence of myself.

I've been doing my meditations this way for the last week and it has really upped my awareness and connection to myself.

I feel really free and really WITH myself.

I look into my eyes and the words I hear clairaudiently are my own.

It's so powerful and bizarre.

THIS is what keeps me in joy. Knowing and seeing and feeling god as myself.

We are all parts of the whole and I really know that for myself right now.

What i want to take forward from this in my day is the knowing that everyone else is god too and treating them accordingly.

RAM DASS said treat every man like they are god in drag.

he was on to something fr fr.

I have these fire ass meditations and realizations in my room and then when i get around my parents, i put it all to the side and minimize into this little box.

this is a habit. a defense mechanism i developed so that i can always remain in the shadows and not get in trouble for breathing a bit too loudly or being happier than them. No one was allowed to be happier than them....

woo.

What i practice the most is being myself in all situations, no matter where I am.

i know myself to be really cool and strong in my perspective and open and loving and gentle, and nourishing and fun and grounding.

I know that i like people and people like having me around.

I know that my family looks to me for comfort and direction.

i know that i am more powerful than i thought i was.

i know that i'm the main girl.

I have quite a lot to be happy about right now and when i break it down like this, it actually makes me feel a lot better.

i'm here, feeling grounded and present and looking at the hamster wheel like why even?

I'm getting rid of the wheel. I don't need it anymore.

Sometimes I give myself rules because I like to be my own accountability partner, but then it gets out of hand because i start to base my own worthiness on how hard i'm going in the wheel.

CANT STOP EVEN IF IM TIRED.

CANT SHOW SIGNS OF WEAKNESS TO ANYONE LOOKING EITHER.

IM THE STRONG FRIEND.

I am a saturn in capricorn. i have 5 planets/placements in capricorn.

Neptune, Uranus, Sun, Moon, North Node.

I'm really good at maintaining my emotions.

I'm really good and keeping going.

I'm also really good at empathizing because of it.

I'm built for deepend connection and being vulnerable and letting others feel safe enough to feel vulnerable with me.

We are friends, even if you haven't met me yet but you're reading this and feeling like you can relate and/or that you already know me...

I'm here to be myself with you.

SO i'm learning how to move even slower.

not just physically and its not even about the "speed" at which i'm moving...

I'm really learning how to REMAIN IN MY BODY WHEN MAKING ANY AND ALL DECISIONS so that I don't unconsciously end up back on the wheel of unproductivity, since that would be my USUAL form of action.

But just cuz it's "normal" for me doesn't mean its "right". or healthy.

My reality and my body have clearly communicated to me that we do not like the wheel. the wheel hurts.

I am a free person. Free spirit and i move with the energy of the universe.

I am a GROUNDED free spirit. I listen to my inner being and THEN i make moves.

I am actively practicing this everyday.

No more waking up in a jolt and running down a mental list of all the things i said i'd do but didnt or making new lists to make up for the last list that was undone...

I go moment to moment and its really new and somewhat "difficult"...?

no it's not I'm just saying that cuz i'm tryna fight myself and how good this actually feels.

it's just new. that's all. it's new and i like it.

wow.

there it is!

HA! i'm smiling to myself now.

I admitted it! I LIKE SLOWING DOWN AND MOVING WITH MY INTUITION!

hahaha it feels LIBERATING like REALLY REALLY FREE.

i guess i fight it because its so unknown...

Anything can happen when I move at a pace that is easeful and instead of being afraid, i can choose to be joyous and really breathe and take my time.

Nothing but good things happen when I move with ease.

I experienced a lot of reward by it yesterday.

I guess i was judging myself. OOH ANOTHER LAYER REVEALED.

"if you're laying around, it means you're lazy"

or

theres a part of me that doesnt want to ease up because i dont want my parents to accuse me of being high.

what am i? 17?

jeezus.

When i'm high i'm not even...whatever I dont even need to justify that.

see? lots of younger life patterns still running on full.

this is fun.

writing is my life.

I'm sitting here smiling at myself right now.

This is some good work, I feel lighter already.

its 12:59p now.

Let me go enjoy my day with this new lightness.

xx

Habari Gani?
~NIA~ Purpose <3
Heri Za Kwanzaa!

fun fact: my dad almost named me Nia. Still feels fitting.