Oh my gosh! (A Bedtime Story)

 9/16/2021

of course shit is a little weird for them!! They saw little Tina grow up!

I am definitely the family favorite.

I was fun and free kid to be around and everyone (adult) liked to have me by their side, except my cousins (their kids).

My COUSINS were mean to me because they would talk shit about why I spoke like I did or had white friends...

they were inspired! Jealous it came at the time because there was no one around saying really nice things--no, that's not it.

They were jealous--they liked the things i had and wanted to express themselves in the same way but couldnt...thus they made me feel bad about who i was so I could feel like I was less than them, and it worked.

I believed it because this was my family.

If there are folks who love you who tell you their opinion, even if their opinion hurts, it MUST be the truth because I have trusted to know and believe that these people must know me the best and have my best interest at heart.

when i was in school with my white friends, I felt normal.

I didn't feel like "the oreo", until some other white kid pointed out that I'm the only black girl in here and i'm not like "regular" black girls....

Dark on the outside, white on the inside.

What a fucking phrase?!

SO I wasn't good enough for my black family nor "normal" enough for my white friends.

I didn't think about it often--I would just do my thing and still be in theater class killin it and going to birthday parties and shit.

Sure, the white boys had jokes but they DEFINITELY were all about me sexually during that time.

We were in middle school.

All kinds of sexual changes are happening at that time and we were ALL a little curious about what was going on (both with ourselves and others).

The white boys would dare me to "grind on kenny and if he gets a boner I'll give you $1.50"

I did it and he did.

It was a fun game for them to see how long they could resist me and how much power my physicality had.

I loved feeling the way that they got hard because I knew just the way to move my hips against them...

I would laugh. We all did.

In highschool there were more black boys and I loved it.

They knew I was the only black girl in that class because I was SMART.

That was the first time I learned that smart can be sexy.

They were drawn to me and my innocence.

I knew my mom wouldnt let me have a boyfriend so I just kept all my flirtatious activity during school and then write about it in my journal at night.

There were so many boys.

So many different energies that I loved to experience in one day.

Gentle. Sweet. Shy. Outgoing. Tender. Sexy. Jealous. Aggressive. Baby. All in one day.

I got to play and be all of the versions of myself with these boys because they all exuded the same characteristics among them.

I loved boys.

I loved boys so much but I was still not going to have sex with them.

I was terrified of sex.

My mother taught me that if I had sex with a boy, he would think that I was worthless after because he already got what he wanted.

She said that he would start to treat me differently.

She never mentioned the other part of it though--

How would I feel?!

Shit, how did SHE?!

I didnt have sex with them.

I really heeded my mothers advice and for some reason it made flirting easier.

It was easier to be myself because I knew there was nothing happening beyond what we did at school.

Then I had my first real boyfriend in junior year.

Like, I asked my parents and everything.

The Quarterback of the football team, lightskinned, muscular, popular, all around athlete that everyone knows and thinks is cute--was my first boyfriend.

Come on, did you ever expect anything less from me?!

TUH!

AHHAHAHA!

We were CUTE. We were cute as fuck and everyone in the whole school loved us together.

I went to his prom, he came to mine.

We got "married" at our high school festival...

It was US.

Love like that felt like the dream--

This was the first relationship where I got to experience the DEPTHS of what a couple who are choosing each other experience.

I held him at his lows and he supported me at my highs.

He screamed the loudest at every dance concert and loved to talk me up to his family.

That boy loved me and I love him so much too.

He was beautiful to look at.

When he held me, it felt so strong and I felt physically secure.

Safety in my body, knowing that he could carry me if I'd ever needed it.

(Think, piggy back rides and hugs are all cute things we do to show affection in a relationship, AND they are also a demonstration of the PHYSCIALITY of the emotional elements in the relationship.

Do you feel safe with your partner. Can they hold you when you most most need it....

Wild right?!

I didn't know it then, but looking back is showing me that I have always been on the right path.)

He defended me with a little snatch of anger anytime he heard ANYONE talking shit about me or trying to hurt me.

These are the qualities and it was the BEST first relationship I could've ever had.

He taught me communication, how to advocate for myself, to not be afraid to fully go for it--whatever IT is....

I ended things with him when I got into college.

We were misaligned and I wanted a clear head, heading into a new environment.

He was angry. I understood it.

TO BE CONTINUED...